1. I wasn't threatening suicide.
2. I wasn’t testing my friends. I wasn’t measuring their worth, or trying to get anyone to worry about me.
3. I was trying to show a point that has nothing to do with lj and that obviously got twisted. Too much cynicism? Probably.
4. I said not many people were going to read it because i knew i posted at like midnight, during that fun sleeping time.
So I suppose this leaves me one option. And no, it is not apologizing: vindicated. i am selfish, i am wrong. i am right, i swear i'm right. i swear i knew it all along. and i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well. i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. how great. Let’s do a little analyzing using metaphors here, shall we?
I am selfish – I am selfish. Really. All I wanted was to be included. More than once in a blue moon. I wanted to be noticed. I feel as if I’m always left out. And I tried so hard. Or, I thought I tried so hard.
I am wrong – Am I wrong? All I wanted was to be included, accepted, remembered…. Not feel like I was always on the outside, looking in, to be summoned when needed for something.
I am right, I swear I’m right. I swear I knew it all along – No, I wasn’t wrong. How would any of you feel? I sit there, and I try to join in all your fun memories. But I can’t. And how do you think I felt? When, in Bio, you would talk about movie night and the “study” groups, right there, in front of me, and never bother to invite me. Or tell me anything for that matter.
I am flawed – Yeah, I know for a long time I was a really nasty person. And there are reasons for that that if you had taken the time to really talk to me you might’ve asked about, known, and remembered. But I realized that, and tried to change.
But I am cleaning up so well – I am cleaning up, am I not? I try so hard, really, and I’ve been through so much more than any of you can imagine, more than I’ve ever told any of you.
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself – In this absence of camaraderie, I found myself. And I am everything everyone said I was, worthy of something better.
vindicated - defended with success, proved to be valid
I know maybe I’m just imagining things, but that doesn’t change the emptiness inside me.